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[30 Dec 2008|04:06pm] |
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this year has been the worst and greatest year of my life.
of all the things i've learned, the greatest would probably be that i am who i am and that i shouldn't apologize for it and those who love me and want to see me happy and want me to live my own life on my terms shouldn't expect me to apologize for it.
i lost my best friend this year. really, it was just her physical presence i lost, the rest was gone long ago. not feeling guilty for her death was the biggest struggle i've had to overcome. i knew everything. she told me everything. i did not slap her or call her mom or stop talking to her. i listened and tried to help her and gave her advice and watched her die, both of us knowing it was coming. she called me a couple of days before it happened and i knew she didn't have long. i'm not upset about it anymore. i'm sure wherever she is, she's much happier now than she ever was in this fucked up world. i don't know if i believe in heaven anymore, but she lived her life with so much pain and heartache, with a burden so large resting on her shoulders and that's gone. she was always an angel, now she can fly. i cried when i heard and the night after and at her funeral and i haven't cried since. i refuse to mourn her death because she would never have wanted that, she would have hated seeing me in pain and i know she understands how i dealt with it. i know she understood my desire to get high, to make things a little easier. i know she understood why i couldn't go to the candle-lighting ceremony. i know she understood why i needed to take a road 'trip' and do something incredibly stupid so that, if only for a short while, i wasn't thinking about her and i was laughing and having one of the best nights of my life. if she had been here, she would have loved it and i'm positive that she would have preferred me laughing my ass off in a bi-lo parking lot to ripping my hair out from guilt and sadness over something we both knew was would happen eventually. i hate that i couldn't help her, i hate that she couldn't be saved, but i will not blame myself, i will not blame her, i will not blame god or her parents or clayton. it was her choice and i'm happier now that i know she no longer has to live with that weight.
along with my best friend, i lost my dog as well. this was much less of tragedy in the grand scheme of things, but hurt nonetheless. strangely, missy and kristen were in very similar situations. both were sick and almost had to die to be released from all the hurt they were going through. my dad put her down himself. he actually held her in his arms and killed her. he told me he cried and i've never seen my dad cry before. it made me respect him so much more for his strength. i never would have been able to do that, but it had to be done and he knew that and he did it for her own good.
i am now an aunt, which is the greatest positive in anything that's happened this year. he is beautiful and perfect and unexpected and i love him more than i thought possible. he makes everything a little brighter and i know that no matter what's happening, i can look at his puffy little face and remember that amazing things can still happen and that bad situations aren't always all bad. my sister's pregnancy caused so much chaos and anger, only to result in something so incredible. and, as pessimistic as i am, it has forced me to remember that there's always a silver lining. in life and in death.
i graduated high school. something i honestly worried wouldn't happen. i proved to myself and everybody that, although i rarely attended school, smoked a shit ton of weed, and slacked off throughout high school, i was still smart enough to find a way around it. i did enough to ensure that i had a great time senior year. i was certainly no honor student, but i graduated and got into not one, but two colleges of my choice. i did not throw high school away. i got every experience out of it i could, not all good and not all educational, but worth it.
college has taught me more than i ever would have thought, if that doesn't sound too corny, and little of it has been in the classroom. i did a lot of things that a lot of people would look down upon and would judge me for, things i would normally lie about, even to some of my closest friends. but, like i said, i have learned to stop apologizing for myself. i am who i am and i do what i do and i'm not going to stop and i'm not going to feel bad about it because this past semester has been the greatest of my life and i know it would not have been quite as much fun had it not been for the drugs i did and the people i met and the stupid decisions i've made. i rolled and tripped and smoked my way through school and it was great. i've read more in the last 3 months than i did my entire senior year and none of the books were required. i met some amazing people and let go of a lot of my past. i've re-prioritized everything and i now know that school is not what's important. i want to learn and enjoy doing so, but grades don't matter and reflect nothing about a person's intelligence. rules are set in place to keep the majority, those who follow them, in line, but are meant to be broken and it's not always a negative thing. i've learned that just because someone in power demands respect, doesn't mean they deserve it and that sometimes the greatest experiences come from breaking the rules, i know that most of mine have. i've learned that dependence is one of the greatest downfalls a person can fall into and i can honestly say that, besides cigarettes, i am dependent on nothing and no one. i do not need drugs or people and i've learned to enjoy them without living for them. i've grown to love music and literature and that's what keeps me sane (if you can still call me sane), not what i do or who i'm around.
kristen: i will always love you for everything that you taught me and for the light you radiated whenever i was around you. you did not live or die in vain and i hope that you know that. if nothing else, you made me a better person and you taught me the meaning of strength and you will always be my best friend. i will never forget you.
mark: thank you for loving me so much. i know you will always be there for me and that provides me with more comfort than you could ever know. i love where we are right now and i hope we can remain here and i hope you know how grateful i am for everything you've given me.
missa: i'm honestly kind of surprised we've lasted so long. i can tell you anything and everything and you know the depths of my insanity and you still love me, as i do you. i'm happy that you've learned to let me make my own mistakes and that you can see that i'm smart enough to do it well. i'm proud of what you've done and that you haven't let life beat you down. thank you for letting me be your best friend and for continuing to be mine.
eli: i will always think of you as my other half. you have provided me with some of my greatest memories and you have taught me so much. i don't know what i would have done this past year without you or who i would be and i'm happy i'll never have to know. i love you. i hate you. i thank you.
liz: i know i haven't been the friend you've needed and i want to apologize for that. i realized i couldn't be there for you when i had so much of my own shit to deal with and i'm sorry we've lost touch. i can feel us drifting apart and i know i'm to blame. i'm sorry things don't seem to be going very well for you and i hope that you can find happiness. i still love you and i will always be thankful for every single letter and phone conversation and i will always consider you my best friend. maybe we can eventually rekindle what we had, though i know it'll never be quite the same, but either way i want you to know that you are beautiful and smart and amazing and i hope that you don't allow life to beat that out of you and that you remember those things. know that no matter how stupid boys are or how bitchy your friends can be, you are something.
terra: i'm sorry that i disappointed you. i know that kristen's funeral was probably the last time i'll see you and i'm sorry that the image of me that you left with wasn't what you wanted. i have changed and so have you and i'm just as disappointed by it as you are. i won't apologize for anything i did or said, but i'm sorry you weren't ok with it. we all have different habits and beliefs and ours aren't the same, but they never were. i guess the years have just brought them out more in us. i don't consider smoking weed to be wrong and i have not wasted anything in doing so and i'm sorry you can't see that. my goals and aspirations have changed since i knew you, but i still have them and i'm still working towards something. i am in control of my life and i have not stopped caring about my friends or family. they know what i do and they still love me and i only wish you felt the same.
brycen: you are perfect in every way and i know that you'll grow to be someone great. i don't know what's gonna happen with you or your family but i know you'll always be loved and taken care of. i want you to experience everything life has to offer and i thank you for reminding me how good it can be.
per nex adveho vita. per usus adveho scientia.
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[05 Sep 2008|01:02am] |
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i am entirely too self conscious.
it's beginning to bother me.
Go lightly from the ledge, babe
Go lightly on the ground
I'm not the one you want, babe
I will only let you down
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part
Someone to close his eyes for you
Someone to close his heart
Someone who will die for you an' more
But it ain't me, babe
No, no, no, it ain't me babe
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.
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[08 May 2008|09:54pm] |
and she stopped crying in her sleep
and she stopped walking in her sleep
and she stopped sleeping in her sleep, too.
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(1 <3 | do you love me too?)
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[22 Apr 2008|11:04pm] |
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james k polk and the family of friends |
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I
HATE
EVERYONE
everyone.
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(1 <3 | do you love me too?)
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[15 Apr 2008|11:30pm] |
I'm sorry you seem so stumped
And I'm sorry you think you have to hold your tongue
When your so pretty and smart
I'm seeing you caving in
Becoming afraid of all these men
That you've given your heart
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[06 Apr 2008|12:10pm] |
i have no idea what this means or how to feel about it.
i don't understand why people have such terrible timing.
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[29 Feb 2008|04:38am] |
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it's 4:38 in the morning
and i have school in, like, 3 hours
i hate not being able to sleep
i realized today that i'm terribly behind on everything
my financial aid shit is due TOMORROW
i have to finish my scholarship application by TODAY
and i have no idea how i'm going to get it done
i came to the realization today that my life is way too cluttered and disorganized and i think that's whats fucking with me the most. i really need to get my shit together. i'm going to get my shit together.
i guess i say that a lot
there's just so much shit going on right now. i have so much on my mind. there are things i can't talk to really anyone about and they're really beginning to weigh on me.
on a much brighter note: i have over 300 dollars in my bank account right now. i have never been able to say that and it feels really good. i plan on blowing a big chunk of that today. i think i need to.
goddamnit i want to sleep.
my mother's birthday is coming up. and with it the anniversary of my "incident". i've decided that i'm going to do something amazing for her. just because last year i did probably the worst thing i could have done to celebrate another year in the life of the woman who gave birth to me.
i'm pretty sure i'm dying.
i miss the way things were over the summer. it makes me really sad to know that i haven't seen or talked to sophia in a really long time. no one's to blame for us drifting apart. she got a girlfriend, i started working a lot more, these things happen. we're hanging out on sunday. i'm actually kind of scared. i guess that's weird. i just hate those awkward moments when you come face to face with someone who used to be a big part of your life but knows so very little about anything that's been going on with you. we'll see how this works itself out.
i think i'm going to try to take ahold of this last hour of sleep i might get.
oh mr. sandman
bring me a dream
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[05 Feb 2008|04:57pm] |
hi. i haven't written in this in a while. so... yeah.
life's been alright. idk... things have gotten a little bit harder. it's becoming really difficult to juggle everything but i'm getting by.
i've been picking up a lot more hours at work which is always good because that means more money. im working about 5 days a week now which, needless to say, is much better than the two i was working a while ago.
my grades had a bit of a slip which really sucks because i'm getting back into the mindset that there's no way i'm going to get into college. i failed english. and i'm pretty sure i didn't do so hot in psych either. it really fucking sucks, though. i do well on all of my assignments, it's always just those couple i never did that fucks me up. i guess there's nothing i can do about it now. fuck.
i don't know what's going on with my relationships lately. it seems like since i've gotten my license there's been something of a shift. i love it because i've been able to see people i haven't seen in a really long time like lauren and mitchell but... idk. i haven't talked to kristen barely at all... or liz. and i'm out of the house all the time. not that it makes much of a difference seeing as i'm home now and i'm still not doing shit.
but today was good. actually... today was amazing. it was so gorgeous outside and i didn't do anything. i literally went to school for, like, an hour and then left, came back, then left again, then came back. it sounds ridiculous but i love the freedom. i love being able to bring my friends mcdonalds or chinese and just sit through the lunches and go hang out with mitchell. i'm so happy i got to see that kid. it'd been way too long since we'd hung out.
me and mr.brown have worked out something of a system. he just kind of lets me come and go as i please and i don't park in the student parking lot so that he doesn't have to open and close the gates whenever i want to go. i haven't had to buy a parking pass and i haven't gotten a ticket. freedom is such a wonderous thing.
i'm pretty sure joyce hates me now.
i haven't been sleeping very well, again. it really is becoming a problem. and i fucking lost the melatonin that missa gave me. i'm such a dumbshit.
idk. im tired.
i think i'm gonna take a nap until sophia calls for me to come get her at the mechanic.
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[29 Nov 2007|01:28am] |
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missy snoring. |
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i like that i can feel like shit and not feel the urge to call anyone anymore. i like that i can be alone and make myself feel better all on my own. i like that whiteside thinks i'm smart. i like that i stayed home all day and didn't fight with my family not once. i like that even though there are a lot of things i hate right now, i'm writing about things i like. i like that i'm letting go instead of causing conflict. i like that i'm babysitting on sunday. i like that right now, academically, i feel good about the way things are going. i like that i can smoke downstairs in my living room. i like that i haven't talked to any of my friends all day. i like that without brushing my teeth or showering all day, i looked in the mirror and felt pretty. i like that i got to sleep in until 2:30 today while everyone else had to be at school. i like that my parents didn't care that i slept in until 2:30 today instead of going to school. i like being celebate and not having to worry about boys. i like that i'm not doing anything this weekend because i have an sat to take, work to be at, and babysitting to do. i like that i'm busy a lot. i like apples. i like that i no longer care that you may or may not be reading this. i like that i no longer care what people think. i like that i no longer care at all. i like being a virgin again. i like being able to declare my re-virginizing. i like sleep.
i'm going to sleep.
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(do you love me too?)
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[21 Oct 2007|11:07pm] |
you're really starting to make me hate you for what you're doing. i feel like it's all on purpose. and even if it's not... it's a huge fucking coincidence.
i'm thinking i need a new scene.
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[17 Sep 2007|04:13pm] |
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i feel like i'm losing my grip on everything. i don't know how to hold on.
today it just kind of hit me and i have so much shit to do and i feel like i'm being pulled in a million directions at once.
my friends are pulling me. they don't mean to, but they are and i don't know how to juggle it all.
my mom's pulling me to get all of my shit with my room together. fuck that.
school's pulling me. i only have 6 fucking classes and i still feel overwhelmed. no more missing school for kierra. at least not for a while.
work. that's all i'm gonna say about that.
i'm getting into that mood again. that mood that scares me because i don't know what it'll be this time.
i guess it's all the same, though.
i need a break. some type of release. i need to make some bad decisions.
i have to read.
closing time
open all the doors and let you out into the world
closing time
turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
so gather up your jackets
move it to the exits
i hope you have found a friend
closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
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(do you love me too?)
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[25 Aug 2007|10:40pm] |
i hate this place.
the only motivation i have anymore is to get as far away from here as possible.
school is going to suck.
i have recently realized that whenever i get excited about things, they find a way to fuck up.
or i find a way to fuck them up
or my father finds a way to fuck them up.
today was going to be amazing.
and not an hour after i stopped crying a went downstairs he asked me to get him a soda.
the sad thing is, i actually did it.
i wonder if he could possibly know how much i want to please him
how much i just want him to be proud of me.
and yet i live for the nights when he has to work and i don't have to see him.
i guess when you surround yourself with shit and fuck up as often as i do, things like this are bound to happen.
but hey now, i wouldn't wanna display this "woe-is-me" attitude i seem to have so often so, i'm gonna go to sleep and stop feeling sorry for myself.
happy birthday, lauren.
there are no words to describe how much i love you.
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[06 Aug 2007|07:10pm] |
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i feel as though my head has become this dryer and... everything is just tumbling around and around.
cheer up,
honey i hope you can
i can't think clearly and i keep making these stupid fucking mistakes. the tiniest fucking things and i'm not even capable of doing them.
i'm so fucking tired of not knowing what i want.
i wanna go somewhere; anywhere. i want something new just so i can appreciate all of this. right now, i can't seem to find it's true value.
oh, distance has no way
of making love
understandable
i miss that feeling of excitement. things have gotten too routine. you all know how i hate routine.
but i feel like i'll never be happy with what i have b/c i always get bored. i can't expect the old things i love to remain new, can i? it's as though the minute that comfortable happiness sets in...
i don't know.
whatever.
Let's forget about the tongue-tied lightning
Let's undress just like cross-eyed strangers
This is not a joke, so please stop smiling
What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt?
... i am trying to break your heart.
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[30 Jul 2007|11:08pm] |
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last night made me realize a lot of things
last night you gave me the courage i needed to take a step in the right direction
last night you were the only one i could call and the only one i wanted to
i don't know the last time i've trusted anyone this much.
i'm scared
i don't know if i ever really admitted this to you but i am
i'm really fucking scared
i'm scared of what's happening
i'm scared of what could happen
i'm scared of being dependant again
or that i already am
i'm scared of you letting me down
i'm scared of being happy
i'm scared that it won't be everything i hope it will be
i'm scared of losing this.
i'm constantly living in fear of change
in fear of everything
i hate it but... it keeps me from getting hurt
if i think myself out of everything i never allow myself to be disappointed
i don't know what i want anymore
ha, like i ever do
i'm waiting for the answer to appear right in front of my face
but i know that's never gonna happen
probably because the answer's been there all along
i'm just looking too hard to actually find it
i wish i could see what's right in front of my face
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(do you love me too?)
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[28 Jul 2007|03:34pm] |
sophia loves me alot, because she says so.
she's so thankful for me and she's really happy that we hang out alot.
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(do you love me too?)
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[09 Jul 2007|01:33am] |
i would give you all the love i have if only i thought it would make a difference. if only i thought it could make you forget.
my name is jonas
i'm carrying the wheel
thanks for all you've shown us
this is how we feel
come sit next to me
pour yourself some tea
just like grandma made
when we couldn't find sleep
things were better then
once but never again.
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(do you love me too?)
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[07 Jul 2007|02:01am] |
come to me now and lay your hands over me
even if it's a lie
say it will be alright
and i shall believe
things have been strange lately. my life feels as though it's changed in some drastic way and yet... it's as though everything's exactly the same.
broken in two and i know you're onto me
that i only come home
when i'm so all alone
but i do believe
when did i become so scared of being hurt. when did i become so cautious? i guess after making so many mistakes and hurting so many people you grow something of a conscience. or just a shitload of fear.
that not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be
seems like everytime i try to make it right it all comes down on me
please say honestly
you won't give up on me
and i shall believe
my dad and i have... we're... i don't know how to describe what's going on with us. sometimes he just gets so angry. and he knows precisely how to make me feel like the most shit but... he surprises the hell out of me. there are those times when he can laugh and joke through the anger and i just can't believe he's the same person he was yesterday.
open the door and show me your face tonight
i know its true
no one heals me like you
and you hold the key
i was told last night and it's as though there's a black boy inside of me. metaphorically, of course. it seems my views on love and the world and relationships and... well, the brand of cigarettes i smoke have brought across a completely different persona than what i actually am. i'm sorry i have to be this way with you. i really do trust you more than anyone.
never again would i turn away from you
i'm so heavy tonight
but your love is alright
and i do believe
i told myself i'd never do what was done to me. i love you too much to make that mistake.
that not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be
seems like everytime i try to make it right it all comes down on me
please say honestly
you won't give up on me
and i shall believe
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(1 <3 | do you love me too?)
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[29 Jun 2007|01:30pm] |
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i missed my sheryl |
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i'm back.
i wish i wasn't.
i forgot how amazing it is to get away from everything.
i was right, it was good for me.
i barely talked to anyone and i'm not sorry for getting out of touch. i needed it. i needed to get away from every negative thought that follows me around and creeps up when i'm trying to sleep.
i didn't worry about her
and he didn't cross my mind not once
instead i fished
and swam
and ate
i got really fat
and completely let myself go in a way that only that lake can let me
and it felt great.
i barely smoked and... i didn't die like i thought i would
i feel reconnected to a part of myself that i lost for awhile
a part that was based on my friends or my past
i was the good girl for week.
for a week i was no longer the girl that od'd
or the slut
or the smoker
or the druggie
i was still the ten year old they remember me as.
it's amazing to be around people that know nothing about you but know you better than almost anyone else.
i'll miss those stars
until next year...
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[22 Jun 2007|07:33pm] |
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music |
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i think the show's called traveler or some shit |
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hi there.
i wanna start off by saying how amazing my summer's been. everyone's complaining about not being able to go anywhere, i'm just happy for some downtime. i did hang out with kristen yesterday, though. i LOVE her. staying up all night and coloring. stealing toilet paper from walmart. i can't believe how much i missed her.
i miss a lot of people actually. i miss lauren. i haven't talked to that bitch all day.
i leave tomorrow for illinois. i'm excited, i guess. i think it'll be good for me.
mmk, i gotta pee and there's this really hot guy on television. yumm.
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(1 <3 | do you love me too?)
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[16 Jun 2007|08:27pm] |
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you sure do know how to worry me. only you.
and when you wake up
everything is gonna be fine.
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